Beware the Trap of Loving Yourself

Self-esteem, self-love, self-confidence, self-compassion, among other positive self- concepts, have become immensely popular in the last few decades. It takes less than half an hour of scrolling through social media before one comes across a message that promotes one or more of these ideas. We are reminded daily to take care of ourselves (especially our mental health), drop friends who don’t nourish our sense of self, and overlook any flaws or failings we might have.

There are so many self-related concepts that have been defined by psychologists that I will not go into each one of them here, so I will use only three examples to make a bigger point. The first of these is a positive self-image, which means that you think you are attractive, smart, healthy, and fun to be around, among other things. The second is self-love, whereby you see yourself as basically a good person, who is worthy of love and forgiveness. Once you love yourself, the theory goes, you are more able to love others. My final example is self-esteem, meaning that you are not afraid to ‘be yourself’ or ‘believe in yourself’ to get through life’s challenges.

Each of these supposedly good things has a flip side. Having a negative self-image is to focus on every flaw (physical or otherwise) we think we have and amplify them in our minds. If you don’t love yourself, then you blame yourself for everything and cannot stop thinking about any of the evil deeds you committed in the past. Having a low self-esteem means that we don’t think we are capable of dealing with life and therefore become afraid to try new things or ‘be ourselves’ in front of others, in case they don’t like what they see.

All of the things above describe human emotions and states of mind, so it is not surprising if you see yourself in detailed descriptions of these concepts. Living on the ‘positive’ side of these definitions undoubtedly feels good – you feel like you are winning in life. While living on the negative side feels bad, often driving you to find help. There is a fatal flaw in defining our problems this way, however, and that flaw leads to trying to find solutions in all the wrong places. These vain efforts to fix ourselves are a classic example of the way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death (Prov. 14:12).

The first problem with self-related concepts is that they are, by definition, preoccupied with self. Trying to figure out if you have a positive or negative self-image, for example, requires introspection. You have to be actively conscious of what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, and (if it is negative) what steps you should take to rectify it. Spending time contemplating or deconstructing reasons why you don’t like the way you look, don’t forgive yourself for past transgressions, or don’t think you are capable is by its nature a self-centred act. Furthermore, most of the solutions proposed to fix the identified issues are fundamentally atheistic – for example, the advice to ‘forgive yourself’ for your own mistakes assumes that there is no God of whom you need to ask forgiveness.

Compare this deep introspection with the way Jesus talks about ‘loving yourself’ in this famous passage: ‘And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these (Mark 12:30-31). Right at the end He says ‘as yourself’ – the fact that you love yourself is taken for granted. It is not an act He commands us to do (as with loving God and others), but something He simply assumes we do already. No dissection of what that means, or how to do it, just an implication that telling us how to do it is unnecessary.

In contrast to the self-centred ideas championed by the world, the entire focus of the Bible is God. It is the story of His creative power, His great love, His compassion on human beings, His plan for salvation and His glory in eternity. Humans are characters in the story, as God worked through humans and communicated with them in various ways, but the focus is ultimately on Him. Similarly, the people in the Bible who experienced God’s presence most fully did not come away with a greater appreciation of themselves, but quite the opposite.

In most of the Book of Job, we have Job’s friends trying to analyse his situation and the causes for it, while Job wallows in self-pity. Finally, God comes to set the record straight (Job 38-41). In these passages God says almost nothing about Job’s situation, his state of mind, or even what he could do to feel better. Instead, God declares who He is – His power, His pre-eminence, His glory and strength, all as they are revealed in creation. Job was so busy introspecting that he did not take the time to appreciate the sheer majesty and glory of God. He was too self-obsessed. When Job gets this new perspective from the Lord, he responds immediately:

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You. Therefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:5-6)

This change in Job’s understanding of himself relative to God was one of the lessons God wanted to teach him from the beginning. Yet you will rarely hear anyone these days teach you to abhor yourself!

Similarly, David understood where mankind fits into the equation relative to the Almighty God, as explained in this wonderful Psalm:

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,
What is man that You are mindful of him,
And the son of man that You visit him?
For You have made him a little lower than the angels,
And You have crowned him with glory and honour.
You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet
(Psalm 8:3-6, emphasis mine)

Human beings have an important place in the order of creation purely because God made that place for us. This thought struck David with abject wonder – when he contemplated the vastness of the universe, he could not wrap his head around why God would bother with such specks of insignificance as us. Herein is an important lesson: our value as human beings only exists because God bestowed it on us. Without His decision to make us in His image and place us above the rest of His creation, we are absolutely valueless (Isaiah 40:17). It is ironic, then, that atheistic solutions to human problems emphasise our ‘value as human beings’ without any logical grounding for that value.

If we are merely advanced apes clinging onto the third rock from the sun while our solar system hurtles through a universe that has no creator or meaning, then what makes each human life valuable? If the universe came from nothing, for no reason, then we have no more reason to be alive than an ant, and are possibly of even less value than they are for this earth (indeed, many who think this way advocate fiercely for fewer people on earth, while putting great value on insects as critical parts of the global ecosystem).

When God is absent from our thinking, the only way we can place value on ourselves is through comparison with other humans. The idea that we are ‘good people’ is really just a statement that we are better people than some others out there. Being attractive, smart, or ‘fun’ is also relative – we must be better in these ways than others that we know in order to attract people to form relationships with us. We must be more capable than others around us to get a promotion at work. The competition is endless, and often ruthless.

Mankind has found ways to compete more effectively, or to cope when we are outcompeted, since the dawn of time. Envy is what caused Cain to kill Abel, and competition breeds envy (James 3:13-18). In more recent generations, the focus seems to have shifted towards coping, particularly for those who don’t have that ‘winning feeling’ and believe that they are less attractive, worthy, or capable than other people. The current coping mechanism seems to be to play mental games with yourself – to tell yourself frequently that you are all the things you don’t feel that you are, despite any evidence to the contrary. Parts of our culture seem to be shifting away from ruthless competition and towards pretending that everyone is really the same – that there are no differences in our talents or abilities and that we are all equally capable of everything.

Whether we are competing successfully or barely coping, we are still trying to find our solutions within ourselves, or at least blame others for the way we are. Another popular mental game is to review your life to figure out who or what caused any of the weaknesses in your character – your relatives, circumstances, the culture around you, etc. – so that you no longer need to be held accountable for those issues. If you are not really to blame for anything, then you can easily ‘forgive yourself’, convince yourself that you really are a good/successful/capable person after all, and thus make your life better. Or so they say.

Trying to boost your self-image either by comparing yourself favourably with others, or blaming others for producing any flaws in your character, or trying to trick yourself into thinking that your flaws do not exist anyway all lead down the wrong path. These options are ultimately derived from placing some sort of value upon ourselves that is entirely subjective and relative. God’s way is that we stop valuing ourselves altogether. When you consider yourself to be absolutely nothing without God, then it makes no sense to wonder whether someone else is more or less than your nothing (2 Cor. 12:11; 1 Cor. 13:2). Viewing yourself as nothing thus sets you free from all comparisons with others.

As we have seen already, God’s way of dealing with the human condition is in direct contradiction to the solutions we have come up with on our own. Although God has placed value upon us by making us in His image, and then paying the highest price in the universe to redeem us (the blood of His Son Jesus Christ), He has a far more realistic view of us than we conjure up for ourselves. For a start, He declares that there is no such thing as a ‘good person’:

The Lord looks down from heaven upon the children of men,
To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.
They have all turned aside, they have together become corrupt;
There is none who does good, no, not one.
(Psalm 14:2-3)

Paul adopted God’s view of himself: For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. (Rom. 7:18). Human beings have fallen so far from God’s original creation that there is nothing within us that can be described as good. Isaiah describes it aptly: But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags (Is. 64:6a). God’s estimation of our current state is that we are evil and even the supposedly good things that we do come from evil intent.

Nowhere in the Bible will you find that the solution to this evil is to forgive yourself or love yourself. David describes our real situation accurately in Psalm 51:3-4 – For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight – That You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge. The forgiveness we need comes from the One we have sinned against – God Himself. This is another example of how our definitions of the problems we have and the way we ought to solve them actually lead us away from the truth. It is a lie to tell ourselves that we are basically good people, and it is a lie to believe that forgiving ourselves or loving ourselves more is going to make anything better. The ultimate consequence of believing such lies is to miss the real solution to the problems we have, which is to follow David’s example of repentance before God.

Finally, we think that self-esteem will give us the confidence to be successful in life. Yet the very concept of esteeming oneself flies in the face of God’s commands to mankind throughout the Bible. Thinking that you are capable and independent is another form of pride, and we know from the Bible that “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6). Self-confidence is given the same treatment: A wise man fears and departs from evil, but a fool rages and is self-confident (Prov. 14:16). Instead, God calls us to become entirely dependent on Him for every need and to look to Him as a small child looks to its father (Matt. 6:25-34; Mark 10:15). In God’s kingdom, meekness and humility are real virtues, not pride and self-sufficiency.

Unlike the many positive images of self that we are told we need to nurture, the Bible commands two key things about self – control and denial. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) and one of the conditions for church leadership (Titus 1:7-8). Self-denial is a key condition to becoming a follower of Jesus Christ (Matt. 16:24). Far from telling us to analyse our feelings, focus on our problems, and fix them through a process of introspection and self-glorification, the Bible presents us with the only true solution – focus on God and die to self.

This doesn’t sound like very good advice from a worldly perspective, wherein we are all competing to ultimately promote ourselves, but this really is the solution to the many mental and emotional challenges we face. If you are truly dead to the world, then nothing that anyone says to you will ever upset or offend you. A corpse cannot be offended. Whether someone is more attractive, nicer, or more successful than you are will have no meaning – you are nothing anyway. Your reputation is no longer of any significance, and your self-worth can never be devalued, because your self-assessed value is set at zero anyway.

Yet in this death comes life. And love. Not the self-centred love that you have to conjure up within yourself, but the true, glorious self-sacrificial love of God. God’s definition of love is self-sacrifice: Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends (John 15:13; see also 1 Cor. 13). He sacrificed Himself for us, and the only correct response to such love is to sacrifice ourselves for Him in return. When you are absolutely bent on serving God with every talent He has given you, with every breath and with every thought, then you will no longer even think about your self-worth or esteem. These things will become entirely irrelevant to you. Instead, sacrificing yourself for Him becomes your greatest joy and reason for living, knowing that your love is a tiny fraction of the love He has for you (1 John 4:19). The world’s message to love yourself is a lie and a trap to keep you from your ultimate purpose – loving God.